The Nasat Summarises Trek Lit Post-DS9, part one

Also known as: The New Expanded Humerous Novel List. Yes, my first major post isn't a serious review, but part one of a silly joke. Being bored, and following an exchange in an older thread of the Trek BBS Trek Lit forum, I decided to offer humerous recaps of almost all the novels set after the end of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. All the novels, that is, which are set in the same consistent reality, what we readers have taken to calling the "novel verse". I'm a big fan of the novels' trend towards consistency and continuity, but collectively they can seem a bit intimidating to newer readers. This post will be of no help at all on that front and will instead make new readers even more confused. Here's a list of every major story from the end of DS9, through the last two seasons of Voyager, and through to the post-Nemesis period. I assure you, my summaries are accurate...if a little incomplete.

Star Trek Deep Space Nine: A Stitch In Time: In which Garak pens an elaborate fan fiction and posts it on the internet, reveals his life story, or some combination of the two. Having satisfied his urge to confuse people, he goes back to planting flowers.

Star Trek Deep Space Nine: The Left Hand of Destiny, books one and two: In which Martok studies human culture in hopes of kicking off his reign with a real epic. He confuses King Arthur with Star Wars, and re-enacts the Battle of Hoth and the Battle of Camlann at the same time.

Star Trek: The Next Generation: Diplomatic Immunity: In which Worf gets roped into saving the polar bears, but can’t really be bothered. He crowns a whiny engineer “Emperor of the Polar Bears” and calls it a day.

Star Trek Deep Space Nine: Avatar, books one and two: In which several Jem’Hadar refuse to admit it’s over and plough on regardless, while the Deep Space Nine series essentially does the same thing. Kira is kicked out of the Bajoran religion for praying in church.

Star Trek Deep Space Nine: Abyss: In which Bashir finally meets a real Bond Villain - one who wants to re-enact the plot of Moonraker, for reasons known only to himself. Ro recruits monkey cannon fodder to help bring him down, while Vaughn reveals he stole a holoship from Insurrection, continuing his attempt to tie himself to any and all events in Star Trek history.

Star Trek Deep Space Nine: Demons of Air and Darkness: In which many things happen, some, if not most of them, relating not at all to Taran'atar fighting Hirogen.

Star Trek: The Brave and the Bold: In which every Star Trek crew and their supporting casts are nearly outwitted by a box.

Star Trek Deep Space Nine: Mission Gamma: Twilight: In which Shar runs away to sea to escape disappointed family members, and Vaughn decides to do the same - only to then remember that his daughter's already assigned to the same ship. Vaughn dumps Prynn and Shar on a desolate world out of general spite, but has to go and retreive them when the plot punishes him with a flashback montage; this being Vaughn, it covers practically every event since 2280.

Star Trek Deep Space Nine: Mission Gamma: This Gray Spirit: In which Vaughn tries to leave Shar behind again, this time with Dax, but once more has to go back for them when Dax starts a revolutionary war after speaking out at the dinner table. In the alpha quadrant, Cardassia cleans out its attic and tries to foist what it finds on the Bajorans; fortunately, the Bajorans mistake it for sensitive diplomacy.

Star Trek: IKS Gorkon: A Good Day To Die: In which the Klingons kick off their own series by playing "capture the flag" and building dainty sailboats. Through the rigours of the tiddlywink competition, they teach us the true test of the warrior.

Star Trek Deep Space Nine: Mission Gamma: Cathedral: In which Julian Bashir visits a space-cathedral and loses his medical competence behind the pew cushions. Ezri loses Dax, while Nog finds a spare leg. The local priests help return the missing items but confiscate the leg. Meanwhile, tragedy strikes when the Trill delegation finds an unguarded weapons locker and begin playing with the contents. Later claims that the First Minister was actually an alien monster impress no-one.

Star Trek Deep Space Nine: Mission Gamma: Lesser Evil: In which Vaughn finally tracks down his wife and kills her. Back on Deep Space Nine, the crew realize that TNG season one has infiltrated the station, and declare quarantine.

Star Trek: IKS Gorkon: In the Name of Honor: In which Klag, on a mission to conquer new worlds, decides to impede efforts to conquer a new world. For the honour of the Klingon Empire, he fights the Klingon Empire and banishes it from the planet forever. The treacherous natives then backstab him and willingly join the empire, fulfilling his original mission. Martok, mistaking this for an elaborate farce, applauds all involved.

Star Trek Deep Space Nine: Rising Son: In which Jake Sisko finds the courage to claw his way back to relevance, and becomes a pirate. He plunders several lost treasures, but to his frustration all of them natter on beatifically about the Prophets. Resigned to his status as a pawn, he goes home.

Star Trek Deep Space Nine: Unity: In which Sisko tricks the Prophets into opening the back door to let in some air, then makes a run for it. The Prophets can't chase after him because as soon as the door's open Kira releases insectoid vermin into the the Temple, forcing them to deal with the infestation. The plan works perfectly.

Star Trek: IKS Gorkon: Enemy Territory: In which the Klingons send shockwaves through xenosociological circles by discovering a race with a political system even more frinxed up than theirs. Being Klingons, they celebrate by destroying it.

Parts 2 and 3 to follow!